In loving memory of Ryan Mitchell Jennings: June 14, 1991 - February 4, 2011.
February 5th started out like any other Saturday. I got out of bed late, grateful that there was no school. I was expecting a lazy day of doing nothing, or as close to nothing as I could possibly get with my mom still home. But when I turned on my computer, all of those thoughts vanished. I had a message from my youth pastor’s wife back in the States, a message that completely rocked my world. One of the kids from our youth group had shot himself. He was only 19 years old.
Ryan and I had never been incredibly close, but we came from a small church with a youth group that averaged about ten kids on a good day. We were small, but in our own way we were family. Ryan was always the life of the group. He and one other guy were willing to do absolutely anything to make the rest of us laugh. They could always make us smile, no matter what. And now he was gone. Happy, smiling Ryan had taken his own life.
It was not a good day. When I finally managed to wrap my brain around what had happened, I was too shocked to react. But when that finally wore off, I got mad at God. How could He let this happen? Why does He let His children hurt so badly that we do stupid things like that? Where was He in all of that? When I finally calmed down, God and I had a talk. He reminded me of some things that I knew with my head, but that my heart had managed to forget. I don’t know what you guys are going through right now, but my hope is that somehow some of this will help you through it.
First of all, bad things happen to good people. That’s just the way it works. Ever since Adam and Eve disobeyed God, the world has been screwed up. Humanity is fallen. Bad things happen. A lot of times in Americanized Christianity we are told that once we become followers of Christ, God will take protect us and give us everything we want/need, and that our lives will be perfect. But those promises are nowhere in the Bible. In fact, just the opposite. 2 Timothy 3:12 says, “In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Jesus Christ will be persecuted...” Matthew 10:22a says, “All men will hate you because of Me...” Becoming a follower of Christ does not stop bad things from happening to us. In fact, many bad things in our lives will happen because we are followers of Christ. But it is in Christ that we find the strength to pull through these bad things. Psalm 20:7-8 says, “Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise up and stand firm.” 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 says, “We are pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” There are so many Bible verses about how God is our strength. Psalm 27:1. Psalm 46:1. Philippians 4:13. Romans 8:31-39. On, and on, and on. Bad things happen to good people. But if we trust in God, we can pull through. No matter what the situation. The question is never whether or not we can make it through. The question, rather, is will we trust God enough to turn to Him and let Him pull us through? Matthew West wrote a beautiful song called “The Reason for the World”, and I encourage you to listen to it. I absolutely love the chorus. “Maybe the reason for the pain is so that we would pray for strength. And maybe the reason for the strength is so that we would not lose hope. And maybe the reason for our hope is so that we could face the world. And the reason for the world it to make us long for home.”
Secondly, God is always with us. Always. In Hebrews 13:6, He promises, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Joshua 1:9b says, “Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” God will never leave us. Sometimes we just think He has. But that is a lie from Satan. God is always there, no matter what the situation. Even when we cannot feel Him, He is still there. We just have to believe that. Have you ever read the poem “Footprints in the Sand”? Life is like that. Sometimes we think God has left us alone, but once we reach the other side we realize that He was there all along. We just have to believe. I wrote a poem once, and part of it went like this: “For though you could not hear me, / I was speaking in the silence. / And though you could not see, / I stood beside you in the dark. / And when you look behind you / and there’s just one set of footprints, / know that I was carrying you through the pain.” Red’s new CD has a song called “Not Alone” that captures this perfectly. Another song I love is "Hold My Heart" by Tenth Avenue North. Guys, we are not alone. Remember that.
There’s also a sub-point here. God always keeps His promises. Always. Our Polish pastor said the other day, “Never doubt in darkness what God told you while it was light.” Abraham was an old man when God promised that his children would out-number the stars. And then years go by with no sign of any children. Abraham and Sarah started to have some doubts. They were getting old. If God didn’t do something soon, that dream was going down the toilet. So they decided to give God a little help. Abraham sired a child with Sarah’s maid. But this son was not the one he had been promised. (Interestingly enough, the Arabs, and therefore the Muslims, are descended from this son. In trying to help God out, all Abraham really did was create an enemy for the descendants of the son He had been promised. Can you think of anyone who hates each other more than the Israelis and the Muslims?) Finally, Sarah and Abraham are past the age of having children. Looks like God got a little mixed up. So much for that. And then angels tell them they are going to have a son. Sarah, of course, starts laughing. The woman was in her nineties, and they’re telling her she’s going to have a kid?! How crazy is that! But in the end God is right. She bears a son: Isaac. And from him come the people of Israel. And from them, comes the Son of God. God will always keep His promises. I truly believe that. Last year was a hard year for me. I struggled with a lot of things, and Satan attacked me harder than ever. At our youth conference this year, I told God that I could not endure another year like that, and that He would have to do something. But God made me a promise on New Year’s Eve. He promised me that this year would be a good year. A hard and painful year, but a good year nonetheless. It’s February now, and I have already been angry, hurt and depressed. The year has barely begun, and I have already lost a friend to suicide. But I still believe that God told me the truth, that somehow, someway, this will be a good year. I am clinging to that promise. BarlowGirl wrote a song called "I Belive in Love" that talks about this concept of believing in what we can not see. "I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I don't feel it. And I believe in God even when He is silent."
Thirdly, God has a plan. What’s more, He has a plan that will work things out for the good of His Kingdom and His people. “For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” That means us, guys. God’s children. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.’” Even when it seems like the whole world is falling apart, God still has a plan. I’m going to be honest with you guys. I know that Ryan’s death was not a part of God’s plan. He still had his whole life ahead of him. But it was his choice. And despite the horrible tragedy, I also know that God is able to use even this in His plan. I know He has already found a way to use this situation for good. How, I have no idea. But I believe that He can, and that He will. That’s what has kept me going these past few days, knowing that no matter how hurt I am, or how horrible this situation is, God will find a way.
Fourth point. It is okay to ask God why. We tend to think that it’s very taboo to be angry at God. But honestly, I think God would much rather we just be honest. He already knows how we’re feeling, even if we don’t tell Him. Job got mad at God after everything that was happening to Him. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to ask God why. One of the speakers at our youth conference told us that, “God can handle whatever you can dish out.” God is not in any way intimidated by your anger. You don’t scare Him. He can handle anything you throw His way. It’s okay to get angry. Where I think it starts to get dangerous, is when we start blaming God for what goes wrong. Because in all honesty, none of it is His fault. Bad things happen because humanity is fallen and the world is screwed up. And yes, God can prevent bad things from happening. But just because He chooses not to does not make it His fault. God could have stepped in and stopped Ryan from pulling the trigger, but He didn’t. He let Ryan make the choice. And as hurt and as angry as I was at Him for letting it happen, it was not His fault. But I think questioning can be okay, if you do it the right way. Arrogant demanding, not so much. But questioning because you are hurt and upset, I think, is okay. God called David a man after His own heart, and yet there are many places in Psalms where David questions God. Red has another song called “Let It Burn”, which seems to me to be a cry to God asking Him where He is and why He has not acted. Questioning God is okay. Just be sure not to blame Him for what has happened.
Fifth point. We need each other. I am dead serious. Guys, we cannot go through life alone. We are social beings, and we are not meant to be alone. Believe me, I would know. I’m the blockhead who always thinks I can do things on my own and refuses to be weak or ask for help in any way because I think I have to be strong enough. But I’m also the idiot who ends up falling on my face because I’m simply not that strong. So believe me when I say that we are not strong enough to do this alone. We need each other. We need to be willing to ask for help. We need to reach out to each other and let each other know that we’re here. Don’t let it all build up until it breaks you. I have had to lean on so many people the past few days, because this whole situation is just too much for me to carry on my own. I have hurt, I have refused to talk, and I have shouted at the world. I have been angry, sad, depressed, and lonely. I have wanted nothing more than to be back in the States with the people who knew Ryan and who are hurting just as much as I am. And yes, I have cried. A lot. And I’ve shut people out. I’m not very good at letting people be there for me, and I don’t like having to do it. But it’s something that I have to do. No matter how strong we think we are, we need each other. And what’s more, we need God. He is strong enough to get us through anything. We just have to be willing to turn to Him. We have to stop being arrogant human beings and admit that we are weak, that we need Him. And, whether we like it or not, we also need each other.
Back to my life. This week has been... intense. There have been a lot of ups and downs. I’ve spent a lot of time struggling with what happened, and with the fact that I can’t physically be there right now for my friends and for Ryan’s family. The funeral was on Friday, and it hurt not to be there. I haven’t slept much since it happened, mostly because I just have too much going on in my head right now, and sometimes I can barely make it through class. School seems horribly pointless right now, and there are days when it takes everything I have to focus in class, let alone do my homework. I've been listening to a lot of songs like "Save a Place for Me" (Matthew West), "Zero" (Hawk Nelson), "Every Saturday" (Seventh Day Slumber), and "Broken" (Lifehouse). But I’m holding to God, and I’ve been talking about it to some people I know, and it is very slowly getting better. If I can, let me ask that you keep Ryan’s friends and family in your prayers. They have a long road ahead of them.
So this one wasn’t quite as in-depth as some of the others, mostly because I’m too worn out physically and emotionally to get really hardcore about it. But I think some of you guys needed to hear this. I hope this was helpful somehow. Love you all, and thanks for being there when I need you.
-Ash
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